«Hidden Family Dynamics Behind Loneliness in Relationships»
In Systemic Constellations
Due to complicated connections and hidden family dynamics, we sometimes end up feeling alone, not only when it’s tough to begin a relationship but even when we’re already in one.
In this post, I’m exploring the dynamics that might lead to this sense of loneliness, providing an opportunity to see our relationships from a fresh perspective.
Grasping these dynamics can be a starting point for personal growth and the cultivation of deeper, more satisfying relationship and life.
Unfinished previous relationships
Case 1: Seeing the former partner in the current one or in a new one.
One woman comes to me with a request to understand what was hindering her from building new relationships with men. The fear of betrayal was mentioned as an obstacle, but the cause and why were not clear. The woman had a husband who passed away ten years ago at the time of our meeting. However, as she explained, all the pain had long subsided, and she no longer thought about him.
She wore an engagement ring, which I drew her attention to.
After she placed herself and her potential partner in a constellation (using figurines), I asked her to place another figure without telling her who is it. (Partial Blind Constellation). The woman placed this figure right in front of her, and behind her was the figure of her potential partner.
In individual systemic constellations, I can step into the role of a representative and share what reveals in the Field.
After describing everything that came from the role of the representative of the unknown figure, she said, “This is my husband.”
This revealed the hidden dynamic that leads many women to loneliness, either within a relationship or in life in general. “I feel and behave in a relationship, or with each new man, as if my ex-partner is in front of me.”
“Whom is she really afraid of betraying?” It became clear to the woman in the constellation.
The way forward: To see all the good and bad things that existed between her and her husband, give it a place in her heart, and continue her journey with someone else while respecting what left behind.
Two weeks later, the woman wrote that she had taken off the engagement ring, and she felt lighter in her soul and heart. The fear of betrayal had vanished.
Note: When a person is unaware of or doesn’t see such dynamic in his or her relationships, he or she not only suffer from loneliness, but each new partner will remind he or she of the previous one through his or her attitude, behaviour, and character. When the dynamic become visible and acknowledged, its impact on a person’s life weakens, and the person gains a choice he or she didn’t have before.
Case 2: To be connected with someone who is no longer there.
Julia, aged 35, has been married for 5 years. However, a year into her marriage, she began experiencing persistent anger towards her husband and a profound sense of loneliness. “I want to regain our previous love, if possible.”
During the constellation process, the woman realized that she was replacing the feelings of her husband’s first wife. His previous marriage ended abruptly, and he had chosen not to revisit the painful breakup or the memories associated with his first wife.
The constellation process brought forth a profound understanding: suppressed emotions tend to resurface seeking acknowledgement.
In this case, the unresolved anger and resentment from the first wife found an unintended expression in the feelings of Julia, the second wife, unintentionally reflecting what the husband wished to avoid.
This revealed a crucial connection – the unresolved issues from the man’s first marriage were influencing his relationship with Julia, his second wife.
To move forward, Julia was encouraged to adopt a perspective of respect towards the first wife. She needed to recognize her own place as the second wife and refrain from interfering in the unfinished matters between the first wife and her husband. Doing so would prevent the inevitable identification with the first wife’s emotions.
This dynamic, to be connected with someone who is no longer present, underscores a systemic response to excluding people, values, or significant elements that shape the family in its current form.
Other cases with the same dynamic are here
To be on the same level as parents in the hierarchy and between them
This pattern arises when, for some reason, a man’s love cannot reach the woman, and the woman’s love cannot reach the man. In such cases, the child becomes entangled in the relationships between the parents.
Case 1: to be connected with the previous partner of one parent
One of my clients sought to understand why, despite her desire to create a family, she consistently encounters married men or those in the midst of prolonged divorces. As a result, she experiences feelings of loneliness and despair.
When I ask her to describe her place in the family, she puts herself in between her father and mother.
This is not the best place for a child and an adult daughter who wants to create her own family. This is an example of “hierarchical overtaking”
It turned out that the mother and father divorced because of his mistress. During the constellation process the woman saw how she took on the role of her father’s mistress, whom he did not marry after the divorce.
With many of my clients, I’ve noticed how they substitute for the previous partners or lovers of their parents. On an unconscious level, such a person is already in a relationship with one of their parents and cannot create the long-lasting relationship with another partner.
Case 2: to reject one of the parents as a suitable partner for the other parent.
A young woman approached me with a question about why men notice her but don’t seem to marry her.
During an individual systemic constellations session, it became clear that in her family, her mother was physically present but emotionally absent. The emotional void left by her mother’s absence was filled by the girl herself.
She identified herself as “Daddy’s Girl.” As Daddy’s Girl, she is sensitive and knows what her father needs. She holds strong resentment towards her mother and frequently judges her.
In the family system, she places herself on the same hierarchical level as her father. In this dynamic, she is metaphorically “married” to her father, and in real life, her relationships with men don’t progress to marriage. Men don’t commit to her because the role of the “husband” is already occupied by her father.
I’ve discovered something important about men and women. A woman loves and honors her mother,an is connected to her in this way, is more attractive to a man than is a woman who rejects her mother and is connected to her father. A man who is at peace with his father in his his heart and soul is more attractive to a woman than is a man who rejects his father and whose heart and soul are with his mother.
Bert Hellinger
The repetition of the fate of someone from your family system who lived their life in solitude and did not form any relationships.
Case: Out of love, I am doing this to make it easier for you
A 37-year-old woman, highly skilled in her profession, remains unmarried. “I can’t hold onto relationships. They all end after 1-2 months. I find myself alone again, repeating the cycle.”
I asked her to imagine the figure “The one you follow” next to her. The woman tensed up and then started to cry.
The image that came to her was that of her mother. Her mother left her father when the daughter was 2 years old. After the divorce, the mother remained living alone. The family avoided talking about the woman’s father.
By remaining without relationships with men, the woman, on a deep, subconscious level, is loyal to her mother. “Out of love, I do this for you no matter what it costs me.”
Deep hidden loyalty to her mother involves the exclusion of her father. In adult life, this manifests as pushing men out of relationships. Courage, boldness, and the bravery of the heart and soul are required to “resign from service to her mother” embrace the father, and unfold into her own life. This represents tremendous personal growth and invaluable experience, benefiting not only the soul but the entire family system.
