During the systemic constellations sessions, as we discuss clients’ challenges and desired changes, we often come across their relationship with their father. The relationship can be ambiguous: for some, he is distant and unapproachable; for others, he is absent; and for yet others, he is weak and lacking willpower. Each person has their own inner image of their father.
It is this complex and childlike inner image that both helps and hinders at the same time. Despite the passage of time and distance, the child’s soul does not give up attempts to change the image of their father, to make it more accessible, warm, loved, and present. And even as an adult, the inner child repeatedly enters destructive relationships with others, or struggles to find meaningful work while trying to change one dear and distant person – he/her Father
To give a place in your heart to an absent, distant, or cold father does not mean rushing back to him, going through suffocating pain again and again. No. It means stepping back, seeing your father for who he is, with his coldness, absence, and the way he was for you.
To step back and give space not only to him but most importantly to yourself. To stop climbing up to his heart. “I got to know you through your absence” or “I got to know you through your coldness” … And also to reflect and look, perhaps there is something good that you received from your father.
The second part without the first will not lead to balance. And the first can only be done through the eyes of an adult, not a child.