Discover New Paths to Trust and Intimacy
At times, it can feel like something invisible is standing in the way of true connection with your partner. The truth is, there are often hidden patterns influencing the way we relate to one another. They can prevent true intimacy from flourishing.
In the following, using systemic work we will explore the 4 key patterns that contribute to a lack of intimacy, helping you identify them in your relationship and offering ways to heal and restore your connection.
Let’s find new clarity and healing through a systemic and holistic lens on your relationship.
The first systemic pattern: unfinished previous relationships
Release What’s Unfinished, Reconnect with What’s Now
A story from my work with clients
During a systemic constellation for couples, a couple attended, and the man shared feelings of coldness and distance from his wife. His wife expressed a sense of him being emotionally unavailable.
In the man’s life, there was a woman, his first wife, from whom he separated amidst a significant scandal.
After some clarifying questions, I offered him to set up a constellation of his present family: involving his current wife, himself, and his first wife.
He chosen representatives for himself, his second wife, and his first wife.
The constellation revealed the hidden systemic pattern: Unfinished previous relationships. The representative of the man looked directly at the representative of his first wife and said: “I see only my first wife. All my attention is drawn to her. I don’t see my second wife at all”
Leaving his relationship with his first wife unresolved, the man cannot be emotionally available to his second wife on a soul level and build intimacy with her. He remains entangled with his first wife.
During the constellation process as the unseen becomes visible and connection with former partner is reestablished, then the separation is clear and the man can go his own way, be more available to his present wife and their relationship.
Rediscovering Shared Purpose: After resolving past issues, the couple can rediscover the deeper purpose and goals of their relationship.This can lead to a renewed sense of partnership and a clear vision for their future together.
The second systemic pattern: abortions
«..an abortion is experienced deep in the soul as guilt…the parents aren’t at peace because they aren’t standing by their own actions…» Bert Hellinger
A story from my work with clients
I recall working with a woman who feels long-standing anger towards her husband, consistently blaming him.
When I inquired about when this attitude towards him began, she said that it started after she had an abortion. It was easier for her to be angry with her husband than to confront feelings of guilt.
Doing systemic constellations to people, I noticed that the refusal to acknowledge guilt and take responsibility for actions related to aborted children has far-reaching consequences.
It not only affects the relationship between the man and the woman in the couple but also impacts any children born, whether within their current relationship or in new ones.
Confirming the guilt brings a strength and with this strength the parents can give the aborted child a place in their heart.
Strengthening the Couple’s Emotional Connection: when guilt and blame are released, the emotional connection between the couple can deepen. Both partners are able to be more vulnerable and present with one another, allowing for a more authentic and intimate relationship.The couple can work together as a united team, supporting each other through the process of healing and growth.
The third systemic pattern: seeing someone else instead of who he or she truly is
See the Person, Not the Projection
“A man and a woman in this picture look at each other but cannot see each other clearly. Each projects an image onto the other, constructed in the mind and obscuring the real face of the person they are looking at.
Each of us can be captured by our own projections about situations and people around us…Projections can be devilish or divine, troubling or pleasant, but they are still projections – clouds that hinder us from seeing reality as it is.” – Osho
A story from my work with clients
One day I did Systemic Constellations for one couple. In this case both of partners set up their unique constellation.
During this process, the man (his representative) looked at his wife as if she were someone else. Simultaneously, in her constellations, the wife also regarded him as if he were someone else.
It turned out that every time they faced difficulties, the man, unconsciously, saw his mother when looking at his wife, and his wife saw her father when looking at her husband.
This insight helped them understand why they felt unseen, unheard, misunderstood and emotionally distant from each other, making it challenging to discuss their feelings and show vulnerability.
In this way, the couple relationships can serve as a surrogate for the parental home. Childhood traumas mirrored in the couple relationships. This pattern often becomes a powerful source of conflicts in relationships. That why it is valuable to be able to recognize it, allowing for a deeper understanding of the true roots of conflicts.
Fostering Compassion and Emotional Clarity: when the trauma’s influence is recognized and understood, both partners can begin to cultivate compassion for each other. This can bring clarity to their emotional responses, helping them forgive past misunderstandings and creating space for a deeper emotional connection.Compassion fosters a sense of shared healing, strengthening their bond and allowing for a more authentic relationship.
The forth systemic pattern: identification
Embrace True Intimacy by Uncovering Hidden Loyalties
It is the pattern where you or your partner is unconsciously loyal to something or someone who has been excluded or is being threatened with exclusion.
«In a couple relationship, identification is one of the common grounds for conflicts that appear irresolvable. It is like shadow boxing because the actual opponents can’t be seen» Bert Hellinger.
A story from my work with clients
I remember how one of my client wanted to understand the outbursts of anger towards his wife and a recurring thought in his head during arguments, “I will kill you.”
During a constellation session, it emerged that when he was a child, his mother had expelled his father from the home, forbidding him from seeing their children. The feelings of rage that his father should have had, his son had later. It’s the first shift.
My client get loose with his father’s anger, but not against his mother, he started expressing this rage towards his wife. It’s second shift.
He has identified with his father’s feeling and has kept hidden loyalties to him. His father was excluded.
Identification is an unconscious pattern in a couple relationship. Through systemic constellation work this dynamic could be revealed.
After one month this man told me that his relationship with his father had become warmer and more positive, he felt more strength, and his intense outbursts of anger towards his wife were gone.
Healing through Awareness: When you uncover the root causes of your behavior, healing follows naturally—leading to warmer relationships and emotional clarity.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are commonly asked questions and answers. If something isn’t clear or you’d like to know more, don’t hesitate to reach out.
►What is Systemic Constellations work?
Originally discovered by Bert Hellinger, systemic constellations is aimed at finding solutions, at creating an effective and empowering internal representation that allows us to pursue our goals and desires without burdensome tension, helping us tap into our talent and let it unfold in its full beauty and strength.
It’s not about miracles. It’s about exploring, making the invisible patterns and inherited dynamics visible, and maybe shifting perspectives and opening for new solutions. It’s about our ancestors and history, about the present, and about the generations and future to come.
It’s about becoming aware of patterns and releasing life energy to flow in inspiration and maybe action.
It’s the key to unlocking the hidden potential within you, getting insights into your relationship difficulties, persistent challenges, or any areas where you feel stuck and awakening the life force.
►Can Systemic Constellations be done online for couples?
Yes, online constellations are available for couples. We use representatives or symbols through virtual platforms, maintaining the same depth of experience and insights as in-person sessions.
► Is Systemic Constellations right for us?
If you and your partner feel stuck in repetitive conflicts, are seeking to deepen your connection, or want to resolve longstanding challenges, Systemic Constellations may provide the clarity and breakthroughs you’re looking for.
►What can we expect to feel during and after a constellation?
During the session you may experience emotions and sensations and get insights as patterns unfold. Afterwards, many clients report feeling a sense of relief, clarity or resolution. Although emotions may continue to be felt for the next few days.
►Do we need previous experience to participate?
No previous experience is required. Whether you are new to this approach or familiar with systemic work, each session is tailored to your specific needs and challenges.
Can’t Find Your Answer?
I’m just a click away. If your question isn’t addressed here, feel free to contact me for assistance.
Book a free 15 minute zoom call or send me an email at info@vitalitylink.com
A Trained Systemic Family/Business Constellation Facilitator.
A Certified Life/Systemic/Relationship Coach with a background in somatic and counselling approaches.
Information about my professional training is here
If these patterns that hinder intimacy and trust resonate with you, I can help guide you through these challenges in my upcoming events. Together, we’ll uncover the root causes of trust issues and explore how to heal these wounds in a safe, systemic way.
This work could be the key to unlocking your relationship’s full potential.
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