In 2020 I facilitated one constellation around difficulties in relationship with a woman.
The Issue: One man felt miserable in his relationship with his woman. He was constantly plagued by guilt as if he was a failure. He experienced anger towards his partner and didn’t know how to change it.
Desired Outcomes: The man wanted to boost his confidence, bring more peace in his relationship with his partner, let go of self-concepts and his belief “I am a a failure”, find the roots of his anger.
The Constellation: Our initial talk led us to explore the dynamics of his relationships with women through a systemic constellation. It was the individual constellation. Online.
Also it became clear that the following elements of the system should be represented:
The client himself
Later, during the constellation, two representative were added.
For the representative of his woman, he chose the largest figurine, and for himself, he chose the smallest one.
«I am small, You are big» is the one of the most common hidden dynamics in between a woman and man that often lead to codependency and conflicts in a couple.
Remembering his belief “I am a failure”, I was wondering whose eyes is he seeing himself through when he speaks of himself like that?
I added his mother and father to the constellation. The man reported “I cannot look at my woman at all. I feel tension and afraid of being seen by my mother.”
About his father he said: ” He’s weak. I can’t rely on him. My mom always talks about him as a failure and doesn’t want me to be like him. And I don’t want to be like him”
«I don’t want to be like my father». This deep hidden loyalty to his father has with far-reaching consequences. His father was not enough as a man for his wife and as a father for his son. He was excluded from his family as who he really was in his life.
As a result of such exclusion the man was living out in his own life and in his relationships what his father had experienced. He was identified with his father. The woman he met took on the role of his mother. The same story repeated itself.
“When I’m identified with someone I behave or feel like this person and I am not able to look at this person and love it. I don’t experience him or her as different as me. …”
“Systemic dynamic becomes unhidden when all participants become visible and take their places in regards with order” Bert Hellinger
It wasn’t easy for the man to say to his father, “I’m just like you.” He repeated and breathed, imagining how he looked into his father’s eyes and allowed himself to be like him, even if it disappointed his mother. It was a process of embracing the similarities rather than denying them.
At this point I closed the constellation. Together we discussed what we just had experienced. I often see that finally through the sharing of the experience a deeper meaning of the constellation is revealed.
Change of Perspective: The change of perspective is the aftermath of letting go of concepts and self-belief “I am a I am a failure”. If we leave behind the trusted concepts and surrender to the feelings in the representation, we change our perspective and are able to see excluded members of our family from a new position.
” An identification is resolved when the youngest person realizes what the problem is and then they can look at the shut-out person and give that person a loving place into her or his heart….This person becomes an angel, a resource” Bert Hellinger
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