Case Study: The systemic nature of jealousy
The jealous person unconsciously wishes that the partner would go away
Bert Hellinger
This phrase makes me ponder a lot. Logically, it should be the opposite: a jealous person wants to be with their partner. While working with clients who have significant problems in their relationships due to jealousy, I began searching for the systemic patterns and dynamics behind their jealousy and the hidden forces that cause a person to push their partner away.
Drawing from my experiences, both through my systemic work with individuals and couples and my own life experiences, I have identified a few key patterns that contribute to jealousy.
To confirm an old belief that a person doesn’t deserve love
One of my clients said that she didn’t believe anyone loved her. What was her worst fear? Fear of being abandoned lies behind this belief. And unconsciously, she created what she feared, as if feeling jealousy and being abandoned were a more familiar way of separation than tapping into her own power and clearly seeing what she really needs right now
To Be On The Same Level As Parents In The Hierarchy And Between Them
This pattern arises when, for some reason, a man’s love cannot reach the woman, and the woman’s love cannot reach the man. In such cases, the child becomes entangled in the relationships between the parents.
Someone told me, ‘When I looked at my parents, I felt jealousy. I know it’s stupid. But it is what I felt. I don’t know why…’ In some cases, jealousy can be experienced by a mother toward her own daughter, or even by a daughter toward her mother
Taking On jealousy On Behalf Of Others
Someone who takes on jealousy actually identifies with the position of the one who needs help, and in a strange way, claims the other’s feeling as his own. Having such hidden identification, someone is not able to live his own fate and cannot stop experience jealousy because it didn’t start with him.
Some time ago, I did a private constellation session for a woman who couldn’t free herself from feeling jealousy towards her husband. Her constellation revealed that she ‘took’ this feeling from her mother, who was her husband’s second wife and felt jealousy towards his first wife and their children. This created many conflicts between her parents. Her daughter, unconsciously, took the mother’s jealousy, that was the only way she felt she could be closed to and seen by her mother.
During another constellation session, a woman being second wife for her partner took his first wife jealousy. He abandoned his old family to take on a new relationship with her. The second wife, very jealous, wanted to abandon him too. During her constellation she saw his unfinished relationship and his debt with the previous partner. Her jealousy is a secret agreement with his first wife to acknowledge his debt and find the balance.
A short summary:
When you steps into Systemic Constellation Work, you are entering a realm of uncommon solution. This approach taps into the deepest dynamics of a relationship in your life.
You begin to see just how unseen forces, including non-present family members and those of past generations, and the choices that were made long ago, affect you and your connections with the others at many different levels.
As we uncover those hidden dynamics, patterns behind jealousy and their role in your life, you’ll start seeing things in a whole new way… You will understand what is really going on & take powerful steps to create a positive shift in you life.